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Introspection, Part 1

Why don’t I have friends?  Because I don’t make any effort to maintain friendships.  Why am I not motivated to establish and maintain close friendships, and yet I regret not having them?  I’m not bashful or anxious about dealing with other people, strangers or acquaintances, but I feel it’s just not worth the effort. It’s normal for an introvert to be drained rather than energized by dealing with people, but I’m almost always so disappointed by interactions with people who should be friends that I have to force myself to try again.  This includes “business” interactions as well as, even more than “social” interactions.

I’m deeply unhappy, but I really don’t think I’m clinically depressed, in the sense that I would respond positively to antidepressant drugs.  I am painfully aware that I have wasted my life because I’ve never been motivated to put any sustained effort into anything at all.

I’ve spent a lifetime absorbing information, but I’ve given back very little.  I’ve never felt I was enough of an expert that my knowledge would be reliable, let alone sought after.  But the world is full of (mis)information put out by people with a lot less knowledge than I have, and not necessarily a lot more ego.  Why do I hide my light?